FAT HX

I have a feeling that when I go to the surgeon, he’s going to ask me to give a history of my weight problems. So I thought I would do a journal on it because I feel it’s important to understanding my body issues.

It all kinda started in year 8. I’d always been a chubby kid. Always always. I’d been teased occasionally, I hated sport, but that’s as far as it went, it didn’t bother me too much. In year 8 I really started to want to lose the weight. I was around 89kg if I can remember correctly. It started out with just watching what I was eating. I stopped eating fatty foods, and sugary foods, and the weight just naturally dropped off. I also started walking with a friend in the afternoons. I managed to lose around 15kg so I was about 75kg. Which was cool and I was really happy with it.

In year 9 things started getting bad. I was convinced that even thought I was a healthy weight, I was still too fat. I started keeping a journal of everything I ate, and would weigh myself religiously. I was also doing dance classes once a week which I loved and I was actually really fit and slim. But I didn’t see it that way. I worked out that the less I ate, the more I’d lose. I’d drink as much water as I could before dinner so that I couldn’t eat, and then when I went to bed my stomach would throb. My lowest weight at this stage, and my lowest I’ve ever been my whole adult life, was 68kg. But I was sick. I would faint in the shower, over and over. I’d barely eat anything. I’d chew gum all day to stop the hunger pangs.

I think something in me realised what I was doing was wrong, and I eventually gave up on it and climbed back to around 73kgs. In year 10 I started hanging out with Alex and Daniel and Alisha. And I started dating Alex. Everything went downhill from there. I went on the pill, I started feeling comfortable and safe. And I gained around 20kg.

After highschool I kind of forgot about my weight entirely. I was still around 85-90kg but I didn’t even notice. I still looked good, because I’m tall I carry weight well. I probably lost some weight when I was working full time and when I was smoking my brain out with Rob and John, but I didnt even care. I never weighed myself.

When I stopped hanging out with John and Rob, and more with Alisha and Russell, I’m sure I gained weight. Russell started out on this gym thing, and I started weighing myself again. When i started the gym I was 95kgs, and I managed to lose 5kg and was eating well and feeling pretty good. But then I met Rhys and the whole Alex phenomenon started again. We eat fast food 4 times a week. He’s a coke, chocolate, fast food junkie, and for some reason I’ve followed suit even thought I never really enjoyed that type of food.

And now I really have no idea what I weigh. I’m too scared to get on the scales. Every time I go to my GP he weighs me. And I hate him for it. And I know the surgeon will weigh me. But I don’t care about the number anymore. I can feel how heavy I am. If you’ve never been overweight, you wouldn’t know the feeling of being completely uncomfortable in your own skin, all the time.