may 18th 2010

I admitted to Margi one of my biggest problems with food, on the way to see Dolan. I was explaining to her that Rhys always wants to eat fast food and she said well, I just need to stop eating it, he can still have it, but I should try and not have it. And I said that was one I my problems. With food, I always feel like I need to have everything. If Rhys has take away I feel upset. I know this is ridiculous. But I can remember when I was younger, and I’d go over to my nanas after school. And she’s have all this food in the cupboard. And I can remember thinking “I want to have at least one of every single thing in here”. I couldn’t just have one biscut. I’d have to have one or more of each. It was like a large sampling. An attempt at consuming as much as possible of every possible item. And I think this is where most of my problems started.

At home money has always been really tight. We always had enough food, but there was never any extra. We rarely had biscuts or chips, we never had coke. Occasionally there’d be a tub of icecream or a tin of milo. But there was never a selection. It was always maybe one nice thing, or nothing nice. If i’d been limited to this food, I probably would have never become overweight. But having access to nanas food, margis food, junk at nana eves, buying junk at the canteen. Even now when I go to buy my lunch or something, I try to work out how I can buy as many things as possible.

People talk about over-eating when they’re stressed, or emotional, or bored. I don’t even know how to classify my over-eating. It’s like I feel ripped off if I haven’t been able to eat something.

On another topic, I’ve been watching some more banding videos, and I’m starting to get really concerned about loose skin… maybe a year ago this wouldn’t have been an issue, as even though I was obese, amazingly enough I still didn’t have any rolls or sags on my stomach. But now I have one big sag (well it’s not that big, not as big as some I’ve seen) and I want to try and avoid sagging skin as much as possible. I’m hoping that because I’m young, and the sag isn’t too bad, or if I lose the weight very slowly, then maybe I won’t have any problems. But if I do have sagging, I would seriously consider a tummy tuck of some description. Also, if my stretch marks don’t go away, I would also consider getting them treated with laser surgery or dermabrasion. All this of course, only if I lose all the weight, and only if they bug me a lot. I’m just hoping my body adjusts quickly. I havn’t been very big for a long time. I’ve probably only had this saggy gut for maybe 4-5 months. Before that it was just a pot belly.

But yeah…94 days to go in 4 days I have to go to get my statement from HBF saying they’ll pay for the surgery. I’ve decided to put off all my pre-admission checklist things until July. It’s sooo far away!!!