Y R U FAT?

This entry is a response to a YouTube video that I watched this morning. I’ve been looking for lap-band surgery stories to inspire me and I found a guy who talks about some interesting topics. One that inspired me the most asked the viewer to question themselves as to why they are overweight, and I thought I would address this question.

I don’t think there is ever one reason for why someone is overweight. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the last 4 years, it’s been that health problems are multifaceted. So many problems come up for people who have troubled childhoods, and I think that is a good place to start. At this point in my life I’m still uncovering events from my childhood that were never clear to me. My aunty has been a great source of information, but she always seems to be keeping something from me when it comes up in discussion.

I can safely say that one of the most prominent factors in my current weight has been the effect of my mother and her actions on my life. From as early as I can remember my mother was always morbidly obese. The only time I remember her being thin, scarily thin, was after her own lap-banding, which she had removed due to health complications. Perhaps I followed her example in my own self perception. Maybe I noticed her poor diet and activity levels and copied it as “normal”.

My biological father has always been morbidly obese as well. He currently lives in Tasmania, and as far as I know he doesn’t work and is suffering health complications including type 2 diabetes. I can also safely say that I was affected by their separation. I don’t feel anything about it now, but as a child I must have been confused and I am still confused. I have no idea why they divorced. My nana told me that I wasn’t affected at all as a child and told me that I said once that “all the other children who are left alone are sad, but I’m not sad” . I think she misinterpreted.

The next big event that strikes me as having a huge impact on my childhood and my life was the death of my half brother. My mum remarried and their child died of SIDS. As far as I can gather, I was there when she found him, I was there when she called the ambulance. I have faint glimmers of these memories but I don’t know if they’re real or I’ve just made something up to fill the gap. My aunty has told me that my mum became severely depressed and continued to gain weight. She also told me that I was neglected by her, that she forgot she still had a child, and that I was cared for mostly by nana and my aunty. I have no memory of this but presently, I can feel the scars of her treatment. I don’t feel close to her at all. I have a hard time understanding close connections that people have to their mothers. It seems unnecessary and makes me uncomfortable.

There are a few unsolved pieces of information about my childhood that I’m still trying to work out. One story that my aunty told me shocks me to my core every time I think about it. She told me that my mum left me with a friend of hers named Tony. When she returned to collect me she found me tied to a chair with rope. And I had a blood blister star on my cheek. This man could have done anything to me and I have no idea what. The other night at dinner my mum and dad told me that I used to have night terrors and that I would scream in my sleep. I also took a very long time to stop wetting the bed.

All these signs point to trauma. The strange thing is, I don’t remember anything, and I don’t feel traumatised. In fact I feel that I had a very good childhood and I have many fond memories. But looking at myself now and how overweight I am, I really think it did have a huge impact on me.

I think another part of my life that has impacted me has been my weight problems as a child, and how I dealt with them as a young adult. I have been through years of dieting, exercising, losing lots of weight, and gaining lots of weight. The last few years has seen a pattern emerge of dieting and losing weight, only to fail and gain double what I lost.

I think these problems are deeper than just enjoying my food. I think I eat to comfort myself, to distract myself, to build a barrier between myself and others. Maybe in my mind, if I’m fat people won’t like me and then I won’t have to deal with them or get close to anybody.